Need. Want.

Need:

coffee
a haircut
to stop biting my nails
to stop procrastinating
motivation for all these things

Want:

eternally un-chapped lips
...that's it.

You are special.

You Are Special

by Max Lucado

The Wemmicks were small wooden people.
Each of the wooden people was carved by a woodworker named Eli.
His workshop sat on a hill overlooking their village.
Every Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes.
Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats.
But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village.
And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing: They gave each other stickers.

Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers.
Up and down the streets all over the city, people could be seen sticking stars or dots on one another.
The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got stars.
But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks gave dots.
The talented ones got stars, too. Some could lift big sticks high above their heads or jump over tall boxes.
Still others knew big words or could sing very pretty songs.
Everyone gave them stars.
Some Wemmicks had stars all over them!
Every time they got a star it made them feel so good that they did something else and got another star.
Others, though, could do little. They got dots.

Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others, but he always fell.
And when he fell, the others would gather around and give him dots.
Sometimes when he fell, it would scar his wood, so the people would give him more dots.
He would try to explain why he fell and say something silly, and the Wemmicks would give him more dots.
After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go outside.
He was afraid he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or step in the water, and then people would give him another dot.
In fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and give him one without reason.

"He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one another. "He's not a good wooden person."

After a while Punchinello believed them.
"I'm not a good Wemmick," he would say.

The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had a lot of dots.
He felt better around them.

One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met.
She had no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lucia.
It wasn't that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the stickers didn't stick.
Some admired Lucia for having no dots, so they would run up and give her a star.
But it would fall off. Some would look down on her for having no stars, so they would give her a dot.
But it wouldn't stay either.

'That's the way I want to be,'thought Punchinello. 'I don't want anyone's marks.'
So he asked the stickerless Wemmick how she did it.
"It's easy," Lucia replied. "every day I go see Eli."

"Eli?"

"Yes, Eli. The woodcarver. I sit in the workshop with him."

"Why?"

"Why don't you find out for yourself? Go up the hill. He's there."

And with that the Wemmick with no marks turned and skipped away.
"But he won't want to see me!" Punchinello cried out.
Lucia didn't hear. So Punchinello went home.

He sat near a window and watched the wooden people as they scurried around giving each other stars and dots.
"It's not right," he muttered to himself.
And he resolved to go see Eli.
He walked up the narrow path to the top of the hill and stepped into the big shop.
His wooden eyes widened at the size of everything. The stool was as tall as he was.
He had to stretch on his tiptoes to see the top of the workbench. A hammer was as long as his arm.
Punchinello swallowed hard. "I'm not staying here!" and he turned to leave.
Then he heard his name.

"Punchinello?"

The voice was deep and strong. Punchinello stopped.
"Punchinello! How good to see you. Come and let me have a look at you."
Punchinello turned slowly and looked at the large bearded craftsman.
"You know my name?" the little Wemmick asked.
"Of course I do. I made you."
Eli stooped down and picked him up and set him on the bench.
"Hmm," the maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles.
"Looks like you've been given some bad marks."

"I didn't mean to, Eli. I really tried hard."

"Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think."

"You don't?"

"No, and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special."

Punchinello laughed.
"Me, special? Why? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?"

Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly.

"Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me."

Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this--much less his maker.
He didn't know what to say.
"Every day I've been hoping you'd come," Eli explained.

"I came because I met someone who had no marks."

"I know. She told me about you."

"Why don't the stickers stay on her?"

"Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them."

"What?"

"The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about the stickers."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"You will, but it will take time. You've got a lot of marks. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care."

Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground.

"Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door.
"You are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes."

Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought,
"I think he really means it."
And when he did, a dot fell to the ground.

Just realize

I hear people asking all the time
"Why can't people just be vulnerable with one another?"

And you know what, being vulnerable is such a hard thing to do.
People get afraid of rejection, opinions, and other such things.
But I want to be as honest as I can possibly be.
I want to be vulnerable.
Tell people what exactly what I feel.
Shine internally with God's love
Share that love with others


Because really, what have I got to lose?
I got me some Jesus. That's all I need.
:]

La di da di da

I've started a new project.
(...but Rachel, you haven't finished any of your old ones)
I know, I realize I start a new project every day pretty much, but this one I am sticking to.

I've kept a diary since the 7th grade, and I plan to keep one until I die.
1. Because writing is great therapy.

and

2. Because when I'm old, I can read through them and relive all my memories.

SO, I have begun a written diary.
I've kept my diary on the computer for 2 years now, and I'm losing creative energy because of it.
So, I have purchased a red journal (complete with recycled paper, as I do love zee trees)
and this red journal will be full of thoughts, dreams, art, clippings, photos, and doodles.
It's my mind on paper.

I'm so excited about it.


Another thing,
I positively love reading complete strangers' blogs.
It's quite refreshing to hear different views on things.

If anyone reads this, ever, tell me.
I want to know!

You are always good.

I don't know who I've become in these past two years.
But I do know who's got a hold of me.
God has captured my heart this past year, after all these years of my snatching it from his fingertips.
It is a liberating thing to abandon all society has pushed into your head.
To stand up as a "light in the darkness".

It's the most difficult thing in the entire world.
I still haven't got it right, but i'm trying.
(and failing...ALOT.)

It frustrated me every time I give into society.
every time I say something mean
or every time I think something mean
I beat myself up for it.

Thinking, "God, help me, I can't be a light.
I'm just not bright enough for you.
My light is burning out."

But every time I think that, pray that.
I ALWAYS receive a divine sign, encouraging me, nudging me forward.
I always receive a flame to re-light my candle.

Lately, I've been feeling the holy spirit so often.
I used to hear people talk about "feeling God" and "hearing him"
and I was like "WHAAAA?"


but now, I'll see something, or hear something
that stirs my heart
and makes it overflow with a frustrated feeling of helplessness.
and awe, and thankfullness.
and it makes me want to leap into action, and help everyone.
I cry for those people that are so defiant of God.
so eager to run away from him.
and I think, Who is this amazing God?
That can cause my heart to be so easily overwhelmed and brought to tears?

He is so amazing.
I wish everyone could see it.

Sick Day (5th edition)

I have been sick for 5 days now.
If it turns into 6, I am going to be livid.

S-ad
I-cky
C-razy-terrible
K-iller

That brought me back to kindergarten, where they used to give us those to teach us a valuable lesson.

Like:

B-asic
I-instruction
B-efore
L-eaving
E-arth


But really, the sick-ness-osity must cease.
I can not take it anymore.
I actually (dare I say it) miss school.




I would say the only good part about being sick all day is watching Jackass re-runs.

When those fail to entertain me, at least I have the wonderful comics of the talented natalie dee to keep me occupied.

Just jokes, man...

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in a river.

The drunk walk into the water and accidentally bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.
Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am", replies the drunk.

So, the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again.
but for a bit longer this time.

He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus..."

By this time the preacher is at his wit's end so he dunks the drunk
in the water again, but this time he holds him down for 60 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
He asks again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?!"

The drunk wipes his eyes
and catches his breath
and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

hahahaha.
Oh come on, laugh!

thirteen moons

"We lay all night talking together until the first color of morning, and then we slept an hour or two, and when we awoke, everything below was a white ocean of fog.
We boiled coffee atop one of only a few sunlit islands. And then the fog lifted out of the valleys and the folded world revealed itself and went on as far as the limits of sight permitted.

We spent three nights sleeping out on the bald, living like angels, high above the corrugated world, bathed in various hues of light from dawn to dawn, privileged to be young at the highest pitch of green summer.

We had taken little food and a single pot and a few blankets, but many books.
Had it been rainy, we would have been miserable.
The days, though, were blue.
And the nights silver, lit by the briefest full moon of the year, arcing so bright across the sky that we read by it, both of us mad with words in whatever form, poems or tales.
Sometimes we read to ourselves and sometimes to each other."

"As far as I knew, we would go on endless. Youth and night and wild freedom and not one real worry yet intruding our thoughts.
Riding with the certainty that life could be a stream of such moments, a dream forever.
I thought we could ride beyond the endurance or even the mortality of our horses.
Beyond the mortality of ourselves."

-thirteen moons by charles frazier

Wisdom beyond years

This video is the recording of a call that 13 year old Logan made to his local Christian radio station...this kid is crazy-amazing.

Go grab a box of tissues before you listen.
Trust me.

So watch your step, big guy

"You might be a big fish
in a little pond
...doesn't mean you've won
because along may come a bigger one."

-coldplay

I can not stress it enough...

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

3. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

4. The good you do today, will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

7. People favor underdogs, but follow only top dogs.
Fight for the underdogs anway.

8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

9. People really need help, but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

buzz off, okay?

There's a fly buzzing around my house that is near death.
It's acting a little demented.
I've been waiting for 5 hours now, and it still flying around like a sick little idiot.

Firstly, I was in my kitchen making a turkey and taters lunch.
I see this fly on the floor making seizure movements.
And then it just...freezes.

So, I walk over and stare at it.
And it's legs start moving.
So, me with my logical explanation ready, thinks
"OH GEE, IT'S PROBABLY STUCK ON IT'S BACK. I SHOULD ASSIST IT."

I grab a piece of paper and walk back to the kitchen
and the fly is just gone.

So, I think, "IT PROBABLY FLEW AWAY AND IS PERFECTLY FINE"
(right? logical explanation once again)

So say, 2 hours later, I see the fly buzzing around like flies do.
and then it promptly runs itself into the wall
and lands on my dining room table.
Then, it gets over the shock of the impact and flies away.

And it keeps doing it.
It's sick and dying and it keeps running into things.
And falling.
And I feel bad for it.

But THEN, I was sitting at this very desk,
and I feel something hit my forehead
and I look down
and THERE IS THE FLY

this thing should die soon, right?
God, take this little fly home to fly heaven
so it won't keep running into things. (like me)

foolish and tired

I searched all around
for the escaped bird
from the cage in my chest
in between my lungs

I searched under skycrapers
scoured the skyline
Peeked under doormats and forgotten lawn ornaments

Even the obvious haven of the bird bath
I searched all around, but couldn't find it

I almost drowned that day
I found it on the ocean's floor
broken along with the shells that were once cherished

I wish you were here when I lost my glasses
so you could take my hand
and help me remember the steps to take
make clear all the blurry edges

instead you run around in self-pity
and hide under the rug
from the world that is so beautiful
and disgusting at the same time

you were only aware of the beauty
until the world scraped at your ankles
and bruised your knuckles

so now, you hide under the rug
and leave me to find my glasses all by myself

life's ancient circle

The pulsing heat of summer
Gives way to the smiling light of autumn
Brilliant sapphires are defeated by wispy fire
Warmth crawls away into the cave it calls home
And golden wind hypnotizes the rusted leaves

A crisp white floats down like a sheet
The bleeding fall is hidden under a blank canvas
Winter is a sparkling handful of dust
Sprinkled down from the fingertips of God
Under the loneliness He gives us life

Blooms peek out from the blanket of snow
They yawn and breathe in the sweet scent of life
They stretch their leaves like a child
Reaching for the serenity of the heavens
Gardens awaken and birds whistle their joyful songs

The vibrancy of colors intensify
Blades of grass rise to face the blazing furnace
Atop the trees newborn leaves reclaim their thrones
The laughter of children echoes like the clinging of chimes
And life's ancient circle has once again proven its wisdom

I want?

i want to travel more
even if its just exploring my own neighborhood
pretending to be a visitor to my own town
so much has been left undiscovered
you can spend so much time somewhere
and yet be lost
its unfamiliar when you don't have the daily distractions

i want to eat healthy
ceremoniously burn every piece of poison
it all lives in my kitchen
slow murder? no.
slow suicide more likely.

i want to find my kindred spirit
& dance to the sounds of nature and decay
I want to read to elders and sing to children
even if my voice cracks and i blush
they only want someone to care

i want to stop being so negative
mostly judgemental...mostly cynical
where is the positivity?
its in me, i know
everyone has grown accustomed so i go along
so not to rock the boat
but the boat is going to rock
and you're all going to be sick
sea sick

i want to love all people, more than i already do
we have screened personalities
what are we hiding from? ourselves or others?
come give me a hug and we'll forget all about this
all of it
and leave only our dust behind

i want to stay away from drama
& the people that cause it
i want to find the ones that love
and care about others, with a regard for life
at its best or at its worst
only the regard matters to me

i want to paint more than i do
i want to sing more than i do
i want to cry more
i want to be honest
i want to stand in the sunlight
instead of shrink into the dark
stretch out my fingers and breathe in all that God has created

i want to listen to birds every other day
your hushed whispers in between
we giggle as our toes scrunch the sand
sand angels and the warmth of the fire
flickers and ashes, reminding us of tales of the past

i want to take a road trip somewhere
burn the maps
all we need is the fire in our chests
and the childlike joy in our step
let's skip somewhere we've never been
and show everyone that it's ok to be joyful

I want to go on a picnic
make our own meal...or attempt it
lie in the grass befriending the creatures
look at the stars and take pictures
i want to watch more foreign films
i want to mute the television and make up monologue
lie on our backs in front of the theater screen and forget about everyone else

i want to eat more foreign foodt
o go along with my foreign films
ticking cardboard boxes...we don't have much time left.
do we now? i think not.
but we can stretch it out.
Father time and Mother nature on our side.

i want to stay in more
instead of going out

where's my hot tea?

crawl out

You and your gift wrap smiles
they're there but all the while
camoflauge everything inside them
reflecting brick walls i can not cross

the people, we pound like rabid dogs
fierce yet fortunate
real eyes realize real lies
baby, don't fret

fight for the ability
show them who you are
and smile through insecurity
uncover the beauty they're missing

shy eyes poured into self doubt
let your lips drop all the bittersweet
and appreciate life
because we've forgotten everything else

bathtub

Sitting in the bath tub
my legs dangling over the side
feet moving rhythmically back and forth
the only place i can think
and it may sound silly
the only place no one will bother me

murmers outside the miniscule window overhead
cars starting, neighbors chattering, gossip and wind
its all just wind swirling around rocks and dirt
and words
i take a sip of my water and set it carefully on the edge
as if im a native in a forest
barely breathing
attempting to go under the radar
not wanting to be sensed, detected
by anyone on the outside
the enemy

The most i have learned about my neighbors have been from this cold white box
people reveal the most about themselves when they are unaware
that anyone is watching
someone is always watching,
or listening
from my small window i can hear their conversation
whether it's with a fellow neighbor
or with themselves
sometimes it's with God
all that matters is that they can be true somewhere
and i love listening to the storiesl
ike a swallow that built its nest in the eave of a house
if they only knew

they don't know that i know more than most will about them
because no one else bothers to listen
caught up in ourselves
we are talented actors
performing on a stage called everyday all the time
standing ovation for you all, you have deceived everyone
but i would rather sit in a bathtub than be in a play

pretty much...

my entire day can be summed up in this picture.



hahaha.
WHICH i took.

zer we go.

July madness

July 1st.

I like sleeping in.
If I get up any time before 11, I consider it early.

Today, something took over my body,
because my body decided to get up
and go to Denny's with Jessica...
in our pajamas and bed-head hair.

pancakes n eggs.
:)

Who am I today?

hahaha

Searching and running

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. " -C. S. Lewis



People want to be happy and content in life, that's really all they want.
But, they look in the wrong places for it.
Happiness is starting to sound like an impossible thing to attain.



People reject God outwardly.

They say, "I don't need God, I don't want those Christians near me, I will never be one."
And then they claim to want happiness and inner peace.
But what they don't realize is,
what they're searching for and what they're running away from is the same thing.



So, people go to money to fulfill them.

The only logical reason to want money is to buy things.
But, the people that are so overcome with wealth and getting wealthier rarely spend their money.
Instead they latch onto it and save it.
Save it for WHAT?

They keep making more and more money, and then save it, until they're dead.
Basically they spend their lives collecting green paper, but they are never content.
They want MORE green paper, so they can stick it in the bank and call themselves "successful"

Some people look to sex to make them happy. Which, obviously won't work.

The physical world is a cruel one, it won't last, it dissappears as soon as it comes, and always takes something with it.

It never leaves love behind, it takes a part of you that you will never get back. The more you give out parts of you to meaningless people, soon you won't be anything. You'll be just the imprint of a person.

Once all has failed people think, Oh, if I have a lot of friends, then i'll be happy. Popularity is not happiness. The more casual friends you have, the more difficult it will be do make close and committed friends out of them.

Those people don't know you, and you don't know them. So, find people that make you feel special, the ones that love you, and like you.

Really like you.

Look for God and his love first. and happiness will come.

You've brought me joy...pure unexplainable joy

Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife.
The first question was, "Did you bring joy?"
The second was, "Did you find joy?"
-Leo Buscaglia

living in a cave for a century

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man should have to seek after HIM to find her."

he looks underage...card him

Is there a certain age you must be to buy cigarettes?
I would imagine that the age would be 18 or 21.
Today my uncle went to buy his beloved cigarettes at the gas station.
He approaches the cashier which is a girl of about 19 or 2o im guessing.
He says, "Ma'm, may I have a pack of cancer rolled into pieces of paper please?"

Actually, it was probably something along the lines of, "Can I get a pack?"

The girl asked him for ID because he "looks under 40"
Under 40?! What does that matter?
Can you not be 39 and buy cigarettes?

He does not look like a kid, mind you.
My uncle is obviously over the legal age.
But since he had no ID on him, she would not sell him the cigarettes.

ha-ha!

He gave her a piece of his mind and went OFF.
Man, he flipped his lid.
But isn't it good to know that our laws are working.
Thankyou random 18 year old cashier.

Lions and Tigers and Bears

I used to be bitter.
Like baker's chocolate...
I was just a big piece of sugarless cocoa.
Which actually doesn't look too bad, until you've bitten into it.

That's how I was. I was not such a nice person.
I've changed now, for the better.
But back then in my bitter chocolate days, I said this many times.
"I hate kids."

Now, I looked at children with a sqeamish look.
They were either bald, ugly, whiney, or annoying.
They drooled, and spit, and screamed.
I did not care for them in the slightest.
And now, I look back on my self and think... I was so grey.
I was a grey person, surrounded by some grey people, living a grey life.
But that's how I chose it.
How could I have chosen it?

Since then I have grasped onto the colors of the world for dear life.
Slowly bringing them upon my self.
And I'm not as grey.

I now look at children, and I like them.
I think they can be charming, and funny, and witty, and kind.
They are intelligent, and innocent, and i like them.

It took one trip to the zoo to show me the truth.
I never hated kids. I never even disliked kids.
Really, I hated bratty kids.
And i still do.

Set the scene.
I am in the restroom waiting for a stall to open.
A girl maybe 9 or 10 walks in.
See sees that I am standing there waiting patiently, and as soon as the stall opens, she walks right past me into the stall.
I nearly broke the door down.
Instead, I said loudly to no one in particular "I hate rude kids!"
She must have heard me. She did nothing though...that is until we were outside.

I was sitting on a white bench.
She takes a sip of water from the drinking fountain
and promptly spits it out...splattering me.
She then says, "EEEEWWW THAT TASTES LIKE ANIMAL WATER!!!!"

I almost said, "Well, then it suits you."
but I held my tongue.

cookin up tension

Is it really necessary for you to shoot me down?
Do I even know you?
No. I don't know you. And you don't know me.
Not at all.

So, who are you that you can bad-mouth me?
trash-talk me?
you're the piece of trash that has wandered into the nice part of town.
That puts itself in sheeps clothing but then claws out and tears up the innocent sheep.

I don't care what you think.
I look into your judgemental eyes.
You scoff, and I don't care what you think.

put on your fangs and your blood-matted coat
go back to your dumpster

It'll be shoved down your throat

I have had it up to here with rude, inconsiderate people
My own generation in particular is so corrupt and disrespectful
that I am ashamed to be apart of it.

I've felt this way for a long time,
but last night I saw something that
really sent it over the top

I went to Disneyland with two of my good friends
The night was going better than expected,
short lines, fun rides, good food
But then, as we were getting ready to leave
we decided to go on one last ride: the matterhorn.

We landed in line right behind a very loud group of girls
By our immediate observations they were all pretty and all obnoxious
Also, judging on how they were acting, they were all freshmen
They had their cameras out and kept snapping pictures of eachother
which was already annoying since the flash was so bright in the dark
They were all holding those light up plastic swords and wearing pink tiaras
Also, they couldn't finish a sentence without saying, "Daaaayyyyum."

Now, if these girls want to act this way and have fun within themselves
I really have no objection to that, but then they took it to a new level
As people walked past the line, the girls would poke them with their swords or stick there cameras in their face and snap pictures of them,
giving these strangers temporary blindness

Then, there was a person sitting
on a bench
all by themselves
with a hood pulled over their head
minding their own business

We were behind this person, so I couldn't tell their age
maybe old, maybe young
But the point is, they were minding their own business
Maybe they were having a terrible night
and had just been crying on that bench
Maybe they were going through something really difficult

You never know...

Well, these girls thought it might be funny
to reach across with their light up swords
and poke this person in the back of their head
multiple times

It took every drop of self control in my entire body
to keep myself from doing or saying something
to these girls that I will regret

Things like that, just make me realize
how little some people care for others

How little regard we have for others feelings
and situations
and how little empathy we have

So, I said a silent prayer for that person that had been the object of these girls selfish good time and I hope that one day
those girls learn a lesson about life and people in it

Don't be one of those people.

Spring-a-ling-a-ling-time!

Happy Easter to you, one and all.
Since it is spring, and this time is famous for the beginning of life
[Babies and kittens and flowers...things like that.]
The lovely things of life!
I decided to post a blog.

I was just speaking to a good friend of mine, Lauren Finke.
I'm sure she'll be excited about this shoutout.
Ha-ha.
We were talking about bulldogs.

I've decided, even though I am not a big fan of doggy slobber.
I really, really want a bulldog!
I am now starting a fund for myself.
It will be called my "i want a bulldog fund"

I plan on having quite the interesting array of animals when I'm older
Here are the animals I want:

1) A bulldog


Dude, look at this fella.
Isn't he just unbearably cute?


2) A bengal cat


Bengal cats are less domestic than most cats.
They still have that wild streak, and they are spotted like leopards.
I made good friends with a Bengal cat at the animal shelter.

3) A sugarglider


I've wanted one of these for years.
They are completely amazing, and a bit like flying squirrels.
Only you can keep them as pets.

So, if anyone wanted to buy one for me, then I would love you for a long time.

Looks of disgust and disappointment

I wrote this during class one day, when I was supposed to be working
But there are more important things that are vital to my sanity sometimes
I was having a really crummy day

She hates me, I know it.
Today is a trip to the dentist, the one who invented the electric chair
Today is a dress full of static, that stick to me legs when I walk anywhere
Today is a pair of sweaty silk pajamas, the kind they sell for romance
Today is a broken nail, like the one on the thumb of my left hand
Today is a mouth full of spicy food, and no water to calm it
Today is a desk with a 1 inch layer of chewed gum underneath, like the one in geography class
Today is a papercut, something so small can cause so much pain and discomfort
Today is finding out your mom ate the last piece of cake, so you go to the freezer and find out your uncle ate your ice cream
Today is getting yelled at for incompetence
Today is a tickle, or an itch at the sole of your foot
Today is cough medicine, the really disgusting orange kind
Today is burnt toast, that leaves the taste of careless parenthood in your mouth
Today is a joke gone wrong, so your left there with a pinched expression
Today is feeling like a fool in a room full of imbeciles
Today is bed at 1 morning at 6
Today is a something in my eye that feels like a mountain, but it only a piece of dust
Today is a party with crowds of drunken people, I know no one, and even the ones I know are someone else when drowning their sorrows in a bottle of whiskey

She hates me, I know it.
and they, they look at me with glances of resentment

The simple love songs

I guess even the most cynical of girls would want a love song written about them.

They dream it up in their heads,
along with the poet to whom they owe the beautiful words and brilliant honor.

A friend of mine, one of my best, always talks about the likes of the song that she wants her soul mate to write her.
She says to me, "Rachel, I want it to be pure poetry, intricate and beautiful, with an orchestra and his voice will be like an angel's voice"

Maybe she will find her angel voice boy one day,
and maybe he'll carry an orchestra in his back pocket.

But me, I think the most beautiful of love songs are the simple ones
with few words but many thoughts.
I picture a boy with nothing but his cracked off-key voice
and perhaps a wooden flute...but he doesn't have to.
Not perfect, but perfect anyway.

And one of my favorite love songs:
"I just know that she warms my heart
and knows what all my imperfections are.
And she says that I am the brightest little firefly in her jar"
-Brightest by Copeland

And even if he doesn't have an angel's voice
and there's no orchestra
he'll be the brightest little firefly in my jar

Overkill

I already posted today, but it didn't feel like today because it was last night.
But who cares really? No one reads this anyway.
Hey nobody, how's it goin?

I'm sitting here listening to The Weepies "Nobody knows me at all"
and thinking about how true it is.
No one will ever know me all the way through, because our minds are everchanging creatures.

We change opinions, and tastes all the time and unless you give everyone you know a heads up when that happens.
They don't know every single little slice of you.

"When I was a child everybody smiled.
Nobody knows me at all."

I ate dinner with my grandparents tonight.
I thought about how much I don't know about my family.
Sitting at a table with familiar strangers, I didn't know much about them.
Still don't...and really I don't know how much time is left.
I am going to quiz them on their lives, and I will post a blog about it.

"And very late at night, and in the morning light
Nobody knows me at all."

No one can decide what side of the road they want to reside on.
Choose one please, or stand in the middle and get hit with tension.

"I don't give a damn. I'm happy as a clam.
Nobody knows me at all."

Universal Time Travel!

I just have to tell you guys, that I both love and hate daylight savings time.
I don't know who 'you guys' are, or if anyone even cares to read my psycho babble, but here are the reasons why I have a love/hate relationship with daylight savings.

Why I hate daylight savings:

1) I lose an hour of sleep, which means that I will be one grumpy bear in the morns.

2) More daylight. I don't like the sun...I like to sleep. Therefore, I require darkness in order to sleep soundly.

3) It's so confusing because some of my clocks change themselves while others (the challenged ones) make me change them to the correct time. Which I am too lazy to do, therefore I end up never knowing what the right time is.


Reasons I love daylight savings:

1) For a split second, the very second the hour changes...
We travel through time!

Leap?

It's the 29th of February.
I don't even know what to write but I need to talk about this somehow.
Leap years....hmm.

They don't actually leap.
But to celebrate it, my friend Amie and I actually lept...you know, since the year can't.

Also, a friend of my mom's old chiropractor was born on February 29th.
That means he only has a birthday every four years.

Right now, he is turning 8.
But REALLY he is a 32 year old man.

Poor man, he must get teased endlessly, I wonder if he even gets presents...probably only every four years.
But it would save his family and friends a lot of money.

Think about it people, if you got back every. single. cent. you have spent on your loved ones on Christmas and Birthdays,
You would be a rich person.

Minty lemons?

My mom for some reason felt that our toothpaste selection is boring.
So, to liven' up our morning and evening rituals a bit, she has purchased lemon toothpaste.



Lemon?
I usually don't look at my toothpaste tube before I use it.
Well, I didn't...but now I have to because my Mom decided to get creative.

As soon as the lemon toothpaste struck my taste buds I whipped my toothbrush out of my mouth thinking I had used soap instead.
It's quite disgusting and now I gag whenever I brush my teeth.

I don't want to brush my teeth with lemon juice.
That's gross.

My mind, the handwritten page. No white-out allowed.

Dash you incompetent fool, and try not to trip in the burning cold steam seeping from the hole in your face.

The impatient woman flails her arms at me, smacking glass with thuds that bounce off my brain.

I'm too playful, sorry.
I don't run for anyone honey, especially not towards the object of my resentment.

Push repeat, my shoulders hurt but they do a dance of their own anyway.
Staggering glances and rolled eyes, maybe a few will understand.
maybe a few will join in.

One, has yes. The Jesus-looking bum who is violently attacking his shock of hair with a prickly object, comb or cactus?
Does it matter, we're all mad here.

Hey darlin' help me comb my hair?
"Sorry Jesus, Im late for a very important date."
My names actually samuel, and why be late when you could be early?

The wisest of words comes from sewers and sidewalks, not from atop a pedestal.

Hands run around the numbers as if ring around the rosie is a daily devotion.
Wandering eyes find me as I make a mad rush for the shutting door.
Why am I rushing? Am i missing out on something grand, maybe I'll just take my savage mind and run with it through the structures and cement.

Where has the earth been kidnapped to?
I give in, finally taking my place but I don't feel content here.
I am a puzzle with no missing pieces, some are just bent and mutated.
Better yet, I am made of many puzzles but none of it fits right.
Am i wrong?...no the pieces are. I need new pieces.

Whispered punishment as the room is illuminated by blue light.
My heart sinks as well, like a cannon in my chest.
But the hands fall with a final vibration, and a flurry of movement and faces,
till tomorrow or the next.

I step through the door into the light, where I go through many stares till I finally reach that inviting face.

Where have you been?

Hockey mask boy

I have come to realize that my dreams either don't make any sense, or are really scary. (The sleeping dreams, not hopes and dreams.)

The ones that don't make sense usually involve purple shoes walking around by themselves, or Donald Trump changing his hair.

But the disturbing ones usually place me inside a horror movie, one that already exists or one that my subconscious mind makes up. (I love watching horror movies, I don't get too excited when it becomes a reality)

I just woke up from one of the scary ones.
Everyone knows Jason from Friday the 13th.



He was at my school running around taking his machete to people.
It was my nightmare so I guess that means he has to follow me the entire time.
Every time I would run it felt like my feet were made of iron.

Why can't we ever run fast in nightmares?

Anyway, I am not going into detail about this but I'll stick to watching horror on TV and not living it out.

No more chocolate at midnight.

Special delivery

I always go looking for quotes depending on what I want to say.
I try to find ones that connect to how I am feeling at that particular moment.

And I just thought, why don't I just say what I want to say instead of searching for someone else who has already said it?

Maybe no one has said it before.

So here goes: friends satisfy much more than food ever will.

At that here is a story:

My mother had to go to a styx concert about an hour away, so I went over to my friend's house to spend the night.

She is moving so while I was over there, her mom said, "Make sure you take advantage of Rachel while she's here."

Take advantage of me? thank you?

So, we have been packing and making all sorts of interesting discoveries.
My entire childhood was locked away and abandoned in her closet.
My entire childhood can be summed up into one Barbie popcorn maker.
I took it for my memory box.

Along with a few other trinkets.
I came across a necklace that is a daisy with a happy face.
I asked her if she wanted it and she scoffed in reply.
I asked if I could have it since she didn't want it.

"Go ahead. Only you would want it, because, I am sorry to say...you are a hippie."

You are sorry to say it?
{Well, I don't blame her for calling me that. I mean, I did start talking about oras and bad energy so...}

Anyways, after getting sweaty and dusty from all the memories we uprooted and packed away, we went downstairs to relax with some television.

Commercials kept coming on for the Warm Delights cakes.
About 5 commercials for these darned cakes.

Every time one came on, i would mumble "that looks really good."

Well, I thought nothing of it. Just voicing my opinion of the chocolate and caramel goodness on the screen.

I went home and a just five minutes ago I go into my room.
I hear someone knock on the door and my mom opens it.
She yells, "Rachel! Special Delivery!"

Special delivery?
I never get deliveries. especially not SPECIAL ones.

I was intrigued, so I walked into the living room expecting the fedex guy.
But instead it was my friend, holding out a warm delights chocolate cake.

I laughed so hard I practically peed my pants.
I can't believe my friends.

I made it and I am eating it this very minute.
My mom said, "I wonder how many chemicals are in that..."

Pork rules.

My neighbor.
He is an old man who works for his church.
His church donates food to a food drive, so in return when they are overstocked, the food drive people give him free bread and sometimes other morsels.

He always has a table full of breads, and loaves, and cakes, and donuts outside on his patio.

The other day I was out there poking around, eyeing a box of croissants when he comes out and says, “Do you want some chicken?”

I had never spoken to this man before now.
All I knew was he had a sign that said 'free bread' and I like bread.

Now, imagine my expression for a moment.

“Chicken?” I repeat.
“Yes, chicken. I have 45 pounds of the stuff and I can’t possibly eat it all.”
“Uh, yeah, sure. I can use some chicken.”
“Ok, I’ll put 20 pounds in a box for you.”
“Ha-ha WAIT, 20 pounds! Man, that’s way too much chicken!”
“You’re telling me. I don’t even like chicken.”
“You don’t like chicken? Then what is it you like?”

and here comes the best line I’ve ever heard:

“I like pork. Pork rules.”

Old people are funny.
And so is the box of 50 chicken breasts I am stuck with now.

Forgiveness.

So, it’s been a few days after I completely went off on he who I will not say.
And, I guess part of me was feeling strong and independent.
Like, I am a total ball-buster that can take care of myself and I don’t take any crap from anyone.

But then again, the other half of me was asking, “Do I really want to be bitter towards someone that probably didn’t even realize what they were doing?”
But yet again, the other side wasn’t going to let up that easy.

I thought, “But, it was terrible what they did! They don't deserve forgiveness!”

My sensible side gently tapped my earlobe and whispered, “Christ forgave us. We should forgive others.”

So, I sent this person an apology.
I didn’t expect him to accept it, much less reply to it.
But I knew that deep down I had forgiven him for what happened.
After I had sent it, I felt like a skyscraper had been lifted off of me.
One that has been there so long, but I hadn’t noticed it.

I felt something weird in my gut.
I didn’t recognize it because I haven’t had this sensation in a long time.
And then it hit me, I am content.

I had let go of all my anger in a few words and for the first time in months.
I felt like a new person, a pure and clean being that God had renewed.
I realized that I can choose to be happy or bitter and angry.
I chose happiness.

Still though, part of me was nervous.
Would he reject it? Would he even care?

He did reply, and he accepted my apology.
And from that moment on, I knew that everything would be alright.
I wave of warmth cleansed me from the inside out.

I had made it right.
No thanks to angry words.
But I owed it to God and his lessons.
I felt no regrets.

To him, it may have just been a minor fight.
To me it was a lesson well learned.
I turning point in my life that made me remember.
The weak cannot forgive; forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.